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  • Monday, May 08, 2006

    Hilarious cybersex conversations

    I was surfing around the net again one day and I came across some funny cybersex conversations.

    Now I've read this before many many years ago (so I won't be surprised if many of you have read it before).

    But over the years, every single time I bump into it again it never ever fails to make me laugh, so this is too good to not be shared with all of you.

    (Yes... this post is about Cybersex AGAIN! It was supposed to be Leng Mou's on cybersex but I never thought Boss Lepton would've written something at the same time as I was thinking to post something about it)

    Anyway here goes,


    bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?

    BritneySpears14: Aight.

    bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.

    BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.

    bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

    BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.

    bloodninja: Me too baby.

    BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.

    bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.

    BritneySpears14: Hey...

    bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.

    BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.

    bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.

    BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

    bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me b*tch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.

    bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.

    BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of sh*t.

    bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.

    bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.

    bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.

    bloodninja: Baby?


    Boss Stewie: and then he moved on to his next prey

    bloodninja: Wanna cyber?

    Katie_007: Sure, you into vegetables?

    bloodninja: What like gardening and sh*t?

    Katie_007: Yeah, something like that.

    bloodninja: Nothing turns me on more, check this out:

    bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes.
    (pause)

    Katie_007: is that it?

    bloodninja: You water your tomato patch.

    bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce?

    Katie_007: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me?

    Boss Stewie: Now just to make things clear, when a girl gets turned on by rubbing cabbage on her skin


    and fingering herself with a giant tau geh (beansprout),


    YOU DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER... YOU RUN... THAT'S WHAT YOU DO... YOU RUN... RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK

    AND NO YOU DON'T SHAG HER EVEN IF SHE'S JESSICA ALBA...



    *looks at picture*...

    Well ok fine... if she's Jessica Alba then I guess that would be alright... but JUST ONCE!

    Ok moving on...

    (pause)

    bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... sexily.

    bloodninja: I ride your buttocks like they were amber waves of grains.

    Katie_007: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.

    bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots.

    bloodninja: Damn baby you're right, this shit is HOTT.

    Katie_007: ...

    bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.

    Katie_007: What the f*ck is this madlibs? I'm outta here.

    bloodninja: Yeah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch.

    Katie_007: whatever.


    Boss Stewie: So he moved on again to his next prey

    BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?

    eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.

    BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.

    eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.

    BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.

    BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.

    eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.

    BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.

    eminemBNJA: Oh shit

    BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.

    eminemBNJA: Oh shit

    eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something


    Boss Stewie: Now here's a rather long one... its slow at first but it gets worth it towards the end... trust Boss Stewie.


    Girl: Hi

    Boy: hello

    Boy: who is this?

    Girl: just a someone?

    Boy: A someone I know?

    Girl: nope

    Boy: Then why the hell are you bothering me?

    Girl: well sorrrrrry

    Girl: I just wanted to chat with you

    Boy: why?

    Girl: nevermind your an asshole

    Boy: Hey wait a minute

    Girl: yes?

    Boy: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid

    Girl: paranoid?

    Boy: yes

    Girl: f what?

    Girl: me?
    Boy: No. I'm in hiding.

    Girl: LOL

    Boy: Don't f*cking laugh at me!

    Boy: This sh*t is serious!

    Girl: What are you hiding from?

    Boy: The cops.

    Girl: gimme a f*cking break

    Boy: I'm serious.

    Girl: I don't get it

    Boy: The cops are after me.

    Girl: For what?

    Boy: I'm wanted in three states

    Girl: For???

    Boy: It's kindof embarrasing.

    Boy: I had sex with a turkey.

    Boy: Hello?

    Girl: You are f*cking sick.

    Boy: Send me your picture.

    Girl: why?

    Boy: so I know you aren't one of them.

    Girl: One of what?

    Boy: The cops.

    Girl: I'm not a cop i told you

    Boy: Then send me your picture.

    Girl: hold on

    Boy: Hurry up.

    Boy: Are you there?

    Boy: fuck you, cop!

    Girl: Hey sorry

    Girl: I had to do something for my mom.

    Boy: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.

    Boy: When really you were notifying the authorities.

    Boy: Weren't you!?

    Girl: thats not it

    Boy: Then what?

    Girl: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty

    Boy: Most cops aren't

    Girl: IM NOT A F*CKING COP YOU DICKHEAD!

    Boy: Then send me the picture.

    Girl: fine. What's your e-mail?

    Boy: Just send it through here.

    Girl: alright *Sends pic*


    Boss Stewie: Now I don't know the picture looked like... but I reckon it was something like this


    Anyway back to the conversation

    Girl: Did you get it?

    Boy: Hold on. I'm looking.

    Girl: That was me back in may

    Girl: I've lost weight since then.

    Boy: I hope so

    Girl: what?!?

    Girl: that hurt my feelings.

    Boy: Did it?

    Girl: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.

    Boy: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?

    Girl: yes

    Boy: Alright let me find it.

    Girl: kks

    Boy: Okay here it is. *PIC*

    Girl: this isn't you.

    Boy: I'll be damned if it ain't!

    Girl: You don't look like that.

    Boy: How the hell do you know?

    Girl: cause your profile has another picture.

    Boy: The profile pic is a fake.

    Boy: I use it to hide from the cops.

    Girl: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol

    Boy: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....

    Boy: Not to mention all the groceries.

    Girl: Go fuck yourself

    Boy: I was going to until I saw that picture

    Boy: Now my dick won't get hard for a week.

    Girl: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.

    Girl: You've done nothing but slam me.

    Girl: you hurt me.

    Boy: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?

    Girl: I thought you were bullshitting me!

    Boy: Why would I do that?

    Girl: I can't believe that cops are after you

    Boy: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..

    Girl: F*CK YOU!!!

    Boy: You'd break both of his legs.

    Girl: You're a F*CKing asshole.

    Girl: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight

    Girl: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me

    Boy: Ok. I'm sorry.

    Girl: No you aren't

    Boy: You're right. I'm not.

    Boy: HAARRRRR!

    Girl: I'm done with you

    Boy: Aww. I'm sorry.

    Girl: I'm putting you on ignore

    Boy: Wait a sec

    Boy: We got off on the wrong foot.

    Boy: Wanna start over?

    Girl: No

    Boy: I'll eat your pussy

    Girl: You'll what?

    Boy: You heard me.

    Boy: I said I'd eat your pussy.

    Girl: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture

    Boy: Do I need a hard-on to eat your pussy?

    Girl: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes

    Boy: Well I'm not like most men.

    Boy: I get excited in different ways.

    Girl: Like what?

    Boy: Do you really wanna know?

    Girl: I don't know

    Boy: You have to tell me yes or no.

    Girl: I'm afraid to

    Boy: Why?

    Girl: cause

    Boy: cause why?

    Girl: well lets see

    Girl: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out

    Girl: doesn't that seem strange to you?

    Boy: Nope

    Girl: well its strange to me

    Boy: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to

    Girl: I didn't say that

    Boy: So is that a yes?

    Girl: I guess so.

    Boy: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.

    Boy: Are you willing?

    Girl: What do you need me to do?

    Boy: I need you talk like a pirate.

    Girl: ???

    Boy: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"

    Boy: ok?

    Boy: Hello?

    Girl: You can't be serious

    Boy: Oh yes I am!

    Boy: It's my fantasy.

    Girl: this is retarded

    Boy: Do you want it or not?

    Girl: Yes I want it.

    Boy: Then you'll do it for me?

    Girl: sure

    Boy: Ok. Here we go.

    Boy: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.

    Boy: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them

    Boy: I softly begin to tounge your wet pussy.

    Boy: I run my tounge up and down your smooth slit.

    Girl: mmmm yeah

    Boy: uh oh ...going limp.

    Girl: Har

    Boy: You gotta do better than that!

    Boy: Your picture was really bad.

    Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRR

    Boss Stewie: AHAHAHHAHAHAHAH... HARRRRRRRRRR!!!!


    Boy:
    Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your pussy get more moist with every stroke.

    Boy: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth.

    Boy: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.

    Boy: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.

    Girl: mmmmmm you are good

    Boy: I feel your thighs tighten as I suck harder

    Boy: going limp

    Girl: HARRRRRRR

    Boy: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.

    Boy: You begin to sway back and forth.

    Boy: going limp

    Girl: this is stupid

    Boy: ...still limp

    Boy: Do it!

    Girl: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR

    Boy: I turn you around to lick your as*hole.

    Boy: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.

    Boy: I see shit nuggets hanging from the hair around your as*hole.

    Girl: WTF?!?!?

    Boy: They stink really bad.

    Girl: OMG STOP!!!

    Boy: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass

    Boy: I tear off your wooden peg leg.

    Boy: I ram it up your ass.

    Girl: YOURE A F*CKING PYSCHO!!

    Boy: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.

    Boy: And turn you into a fucking candy apple...

    Boy: I kick you in the face!

    Girl: F*CK YOU AS*HOLE!!

    Boy: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...

    Boy: Your parrot flys away.

    Boy: ...going limp again.

    Boy: Hello?

    Boy: Say it!

    Boy: HAARRRRRR!!!!!


    Boss Stewie: Now if you laughed at that last cybersex conversation, you're not a very nice person. tsk tsk tsk... shame on you!

    It is not nice to make fun of fat people!

    I feel for that poor girl because for the past few years... I myself have been called FAT not only by my friends but by my girlfriend and even my own mother!

    AND I KEEP TELLING THEM THAT I AM NOT FAT!


    I'M JUST BIG BONED!

    But no they won't listen :(

    Anyway, it doesn't matter if we're fat or not, we're all humans and we should be entitled to the same priviledge of cybersex just like everyone else!

    DISCRIMINATING US JUST BECAUSE WE LIKE TO EAT ROAST DUCK AND LECKA LECKA IS WRONG!!!

    So from as a fat guy myself... I shall start another campaign called theCampaign!

    We welcome people of all sizes to campaign with us! Anyone with us?

    But ok, we'll save the campaign for later. Now lets move on to our last cybersex conversation.

    hotstud69: Hello there

    blondebabe4u: Hi

    hotstud69: What is your name?

    blondebabe4u: Sandy, urs?

    hotstud69: Bob, nice to meet you.. what are you doing tonight?

    blondebabe4u: Nothing, just chatting, u?

    hotstud69: not too much, just sitting around... what are you wearing?

    blondebabe4u: oh just my thong and a tank top.

    hotstud69: oh wow, I would love to see that, what do you look like?

    blondebabe4u: I am 5'6" blonde hair, green eyes, 120 lbs, you?

    hotstud69: i am 6'0" 175, brown hair, blue eyes, and tan

    blondebabe4u: you sound very handsome

    hotstud69: how about I pull that tank top off?

    blondebabe4u: Oh Bob, i would love for you too....

    hotstud69: Oh yea, those look great... they feel nice too

    blondebabe4u: yes bob, my 36D's like that, you are good

    hotstud69: oh yes, they feel so good, I am squeezing them..

    blondebabe4u: yes bob, you know what you are doing.

    hotstud69: Oh yea, I am getting so excited

    blondebabe4u: need me to help you there Bob

    hotstud69: oh yea, let me unzip for you

    blondebabe4u: oh wow bob, you have a nice one

    hotstud69: OH SH*T

    blondebabe4u: What?

    hotstud69: SON OF A B*TCH!!!

    blondebabe4u: whats wrong?

    hotstud69: Got it stuck in the zipper...

    blondebabe4u: What?

    hotstud69: oh god, I am bleeding.....

    blondebabe4u: bob, are you ok?

    hotstud69: OMG... OMG...

    blondebabe4u: Bob??

    hotstud69: I am feeling faint... blood everywhere...

    blondebabe4u: are you ok?

    hotstud69: HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

    blondebabe4u: what bob what??

    hotstud69: IT FEEL OFF!!!!!!!!!!!

    blondebabe4u: fell off?

    hotstud69: it is on the floor, laying there... I am looking at it, damn, thought it would be

    bigger.........

    blondebabe4u: call an abulance...

    hotstud69: I can't

    blondebabe4u: why

    hotstud69: Because I am on the computer

    blondebabe4u: well get off

    hotstud69: the last time tried to get off, my dick fell off........

    blondebabe4u: bob??

    blondebabe4u: bob??

    blondebabe4u: bob??

    hotstud69: has left the room


    And that's all for today folks... HAAARRRRR!!!!

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