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  • Friday, April 07, 2006

    Leng Mou's Art of Cocking

    Cockers are people who go around telling people lies about themselves to make themselves look good.

    For example,

    "Yes, I am studying A-levels right now and I also run an internet business on the side. I'm making quite a lot of money from it and I'm deciding whether to buy a Ferrari or an Aston Martin. Or maybe I'll buy a spaceship."



    (Now in this post, in my first attempt to cut down on the vulgarity, I shall refer to this word as "Koking".)

    Thats how the most common koker sounds... always dreaming of being a successful rich businessman at a young age while at the same time being too lazy to get up and achieve something himself.

    All of us have met kokers throughout our lives and there's just no stopping them. So if you can't beat them, join them.

    I was fortunate enough to learn a lot about Koking from one of my friends during my A-level days. So, here I am spreading the love with Leng Mou's guide on how to be a Koker!

    Way of the Koker 1: Pick your lies carefully

    When you kok, make sure you pick your lies carefully. In other words, don't kok so hard that your lies are too hard to believe. Let me give you an example,

    How you SHOULDN'T KOK:
    "Yeah I'm studying A-levels at Taylors College now, but I'm actually the real-life version of James Bond. My missile launching Aston Martin is parked right outside.
    How you SHOULD KOK:
    "Yes I'm studying A-levels at Taylors College now but I also own and run a small internet company which explains where I got the money to buy my Mazda RX-8. Yep yep.. my rich dad didn't buy it for me... I bought it for myself with my own money and I'm also thinking of buying a car for my mum.
    What do you learn from these two examples? DON'T MAKE YOUR LIES UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

    Way of the Koker 2: Be humble

    When you lie to people that you have your own little internet business and that you are indeed a true internet entrepreneur, don't be arrogant and say that you made it big all of a sudden.

    Be polite and say... "Actually to tell you the truth... I was quite lucky".

    That normally throws a lot of people off.

    Way of the Koker 3: The Phone Call

    When you are out with your friends having coffee in say Starbucks, suddenly pretend to pick up your mobile phone. Then start talking in a serious tone and excuse yourself to go far enough so that your friends can't hear the words that are coming out of your mouth but can definitely see the seriousness on your face.
    Then when you go back to your friends 10 minutes later say
    "Sorry guys... that was my secretary. Apparently a meeting I was supposed to have tonight was cancelled". *Sigh*

    Way of the Koker 4: Getting a date

    If you're looking for a date with anyone of your girl friend, give her a call one day.

    Then tell her that you have a company annual dinner to attend and you need to buy a new suit. Ask if she would be nice enough to follow you to shop for one.

    So pick your favourite shopping mall (Midvalley or KLCC) and start looking for an EXPENSIVE suit with her. Make sure you try them on and ask her for her opinions.
    Most girls have a thing for guys in suits (I am NOT KIDDING).

    Why do you think most of the girls at Leng Mou love Boss Lepton more than Boss Stewie?
    CUZ BOSS LEPTON WEARS A SUIT!
    Anyway at the end of the day, you are a koker and you can't afford the suit. So what do you do?

    Just tell her that you've decided to buy the Armani suit you tried on earlier and you'll give your office a call to get your personal assistant to come over to buy the suit for you so that she could charge it straight to the company credit card.

    See? You get to let her see you in a suit that you can't afford... without looking like an idiot.


    Way of the Koker 5: Nice ride

    Every koker has to have an imaginary nice car. It's like every porn star has to have boobs!

    Now, remember the first rule of NOT making your lies too unbelievable. So don't tell people you drive a Lamborghini

    because only an idiot would believe you.

    Tell them that you have at home a BMW 3 series

    or a Nissan 350z if you like.

    But whenever your friends come over to your house and ask where your car is.. just say

    "Bah.. my brother borrowed it for the day. His care broke down this morning."

    or

    "It's in the workshop after I wrecked it street racing the other day".

    And there you have it..... my young koking apprentices...

    Now go out... and MAKE BOSS STEWIE PROUD!!!!

    UPDATE: Ok for the fun of it, I've decided to add a new poll related to this article! So vote away!!!

    (PS: Apparently 100% (26 votes) who read Leng Mou? think that Penang is the most beautiful city in the world.... WOOHOOO!!!)

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