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  • Thursday, March 23, 2006

    A Letter to MTV: Pimp My Proton

    Dear MTV/XZibit,

    I watch Pimp My Ride religiously and I love the show more than anything else. I get excited every time I see how you manage to turn someone's junk car that embarrasses him into something that makes him the most cocky sonofabitch you'd ever know. I write you now to ask if you would be so nice as to PIMP MY RIDE.

    I am from Penang, Malaysia and I drive a Proton Waja 1.6 Litre.

    My car is not very old and it looks alright from the outside but believe me that things are not the way it seems.

    Inside my Proton Waja, everything falls apart almost regularly. The bits and pieces of plastic on all four of my doors break off easily. My central locking always fails for one of my doors.

    Almost every month, one of my four power windows will fail and no matter how many times I try to fix it, the remote 'unlock' button on my key rarely works and always manages to find the right time to fail me ie when its raining like a bitch and I'm trying to get into the car.

    The engine of my car is a joke. Everytime I 'floor' the accelerator, my engine will scream like an F1 car but it will take about 3 seconds before the car responds and moves forward. By then, the Kereta Lembu (bullocart) that I would've been racing with would have already disappeared in the distance. Even when my car is stationary, there are problems: the engine vibrates the entire car almost like a nuclear-powered dildo.

    I also recently read a crash test report on Euroncap which concluded that

    "Proton claims that the Impian (Waja) is the first of a new generation of cars that are designed to Euro NCAP standards. Its performance in the frontal impact was flawed, however, while the protection it offered to pedestrians also proved inadequate.

    This was a disappointing performance but Proton says it intends to improve future designs. The car's body was damaged so badly by the impact that it became unstable. The driver and front passenger risked serious injury. The child restraints performed poorly and it became apparent that, in development, too little thought had been given to their use

    You hear that MTV??? And that was the EXPORT version of the Waja that has airbags. The one I have in Malaysia ONLY COMES WITH PLASTIC BAGS!!!!

    *CRY* AUGHH I DUN WANNA DIE IN A PROTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Watching your previous episodes of Pimp My Ride, I notice that you like to take peoples' interest into account when customising their rides. For example, you installed a motorised surf-board holder on this guy's VW van. MTV, I am very interested in guns, boyish war-related stuff and girls, so if you could take my Proton and turn it into this, this
    or even this

    That would be great.

    So please MTV... PIMP MY RIDE!

    PRETTY PRETTY PUH-LEEZE!!!! PLEASE.... just tell me whose cock I would have to suck...


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