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  • Monday, February 27, 2006

    So it turns out that semen from masturbation does NOT cause blockages

    A UK university's student newspaper recently reported that the Durham "masturbation in the showers" notice was a prank by some students. Now don't you just hate people like this?

    They're the same kind of people that tell you Santa Clause does not exist, that sex is overrated and that Tara Reid's boobs are fake.


    Yes... maybe it is for our own good that these people tell us the truth once in a while to take us out of our fantasy world... but do people HAVE to do that?

    Anyway, back to Durham. I think we should give Durham a big thumbs up for being quite the understanding university. According to the article I read, they mentioned that the prank made their staff look bad although they did acknowledge they understand it was all in good fun. They didn't mention anything like

    "WE"RE GOING TO HUNT DOWN THE CULPRITS AND SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD"

    So I'm guessing they're quite the sporting university that can most definitely take a joke.

    Surfing around their student union site, I also found some interesting information that all university students should know. This can be seen in full here but I'll give you guys a snippet of it.

    As everyone knows, all of Durham's LGBT students are stunning(?). The more you socialise, the more guys and girls you're going to get to know. Getting into bed with someone might not be a problem, so we have drawn up a list of pointers that ought to see you SAFELY through the night. STD's (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) are a part of sexual society that aren't going away, so STAY SAFE:

    • By using EXTRA-STRONG CONDOMS whenever you have penetrative sexual intercouse, and use plenty of WATER BASED LUBE. (Both are free from the LGBT officers at Dunelm House)
    • By not sharing sex toys,
    • By avoiding ejaculating in the mouth,
    • By keeping fingernails short,
    • By getting yourself EDUCATED as to the type of sex you want, and the best ways to stay safe whilst DOING IT!


    That's right!!! MEMORISE THESE POINTERS FOR SAFE SEX.

    NUMBER 1: USE EXTRA-STRONG CONDOMS

    "EXTRA-STRONG CONDOMS" do NOT mean these little sissy fetherlite ones.


    They mean fingernail-proof, fire-proof and sword-proof CHAINMAIL condoms just like the one we have here.

    Yes... IT IS GOING TO HURT... but it is for the sake of safe sex...

    NUMBER 2: NO SHARING SEX TOYS

    Ok boys, that means... NO SHARING YOUR GIRLFRIENDS' DILDOS.

    You want to DILDO yourself, GET YOUR OWN DILDO.

    PS: I hear they have USB powered vibrators now.

    NOW HOW COOL IS THAT. You can now print your photos, charge your iPod and power your vibrator all with just the help of your USB ports.

    Number 3: AVOID EJACULATING IN MOUTH

    THAT'S RIGHT BOYS. NO EJACULATING IN YOUR MOUTHS UNDERSTOOD?!?

    You now have another reason NOT to do so (on top of the most obvious reason that it is just ... not right).

    NUMBER 4: KEEP YOUR FINGERNAILS SHORT

    Uhmm... just do it...

    NUMBER 5: EDUCATE YOURSELF AS TO THE TYPE OF SEX YOU WANT

    There are many many types of sex. There is NORMAL sex that I encourage, and then there is gay sex that is not my thing but I am open-minded, so I accept that if you want to do it, go ahead.

    And then there is animal sex which is just... WRONG so if you want to go shag a sheep...


    I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!!!!

    So there you have it. Fantastic tips from one of the best universities in the UK. I love Durham. It's so refreshing to see another university guiding its students in what to do and what not to do if they were to engage in naughty naughty stuff rather than calling it a taboo and never talking about it ever again.

    Ok boys... enough chit chat now... TO THE SHOWERS!!!!

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