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  • Thursday, February 23, 2006

    Semen from masturbation causes blockages at Durham University

    Ahhh... the University of Durham. Ranked 24 in the UK on the Guardian University Rankings and indeed a prestigious university in the UK. They confidently and rightfully boast that the brightest and best that were rejected from Oxford/Cambridge found their way north to Durham.

    If that weren't enough to make you want to study there, Durham has by far one of the most beautiful university campuses in the UK.


    However, I recently discovered that studying in Durham now has a little bit of a downside.

    Lets take a look at a photo one of Leng Mou's readers (William) presented me with. It is a photo from the Durham Director of Estates and Buildings (someone probably in charge of the university upkeep).

    Just in case the words on the photo are too small to read... Here's what it reads:

    Re: Masturbation in Showers


    We have recently found several blockages in showers in university owned accomodation, most commonly caused by human hair.

    However, over last term we found many of these blockages to be caused by large quantities of what we have now determined to be semen. This is intolerable, and we shall be tracing the culprits by means of DNA matching if the problem persists.

    May we advise students who wish to masturbate to do so in the comfort of their own rooms, rather than in the showers.

    Thank you for taking time to read this document

    P Robinson, Director, Estates and Buildings


    Now masturbation is perfectly natural. But what should strike you about this notice are two things. First... this line

    "
    ...we shall be tracing the culprits by means of DNA matching if the problem persists."


    So what Mr. Robinson is saying ... is that... if you poor Durham students don't stop masturbating in the showers, he is going to bring in CSI-like investigators to scoop up your semen, put them in a little plastic cup... and run a DNA test on it not for the reason of solving a rape case or a murder... but so that they can go up to you and say..

    "EH!!! YOU NOTTY NOTTY HAMSAP BOI!!! ... STOP CUMMING IN THE SHOWER AND DO IT IN YOUR OWN ROOM"

    Now the second thing that should have caught your attention is this line:

    May we advise students who wish to masturbate to do so in the comfort of their own rooms, rather than in the showers.

    I must say that they are quite indeed sporting enough to accept that guys should masturbate.

    In some other countries in the world, they might just issue a warning saying
    "IF YOU ARE CAUGHT MASTURBATING AGAIN... WE WILL POTONG YOUR KOTEK AND FEED IT TO THE CHICKENS"

    What would you do in such a situation? Well... there is one alternative:

    DON'T MASTURBATE...
    HAHAHAAHAHAHA but we all know that's not going to happen. So we at Leng Mou? have come up with a few ways to cover up your tracks after masturbation.

    Hamsap Way Number 1

    Don't CUM... Slap the pony if you have to but hold it in you every time. Keep it in you for a few months. Then after every few months, go to a public toilet somewhere and unload everything into the toilet bowl.

    Now remember, if you are a serious masturbator and have stored in litres and litres of semen in you. Please flush them down in batches or everyone will blame YOU for blocking the toilet.

    Hamsap Way Number 2

    Put it on tissue and set the damn tissue paper on fire before you hurt anyone else with it!
    But I wouldn't know if semen has flammable chemicals so... check with the chemists before you do this. We don't want you to be setting off a semen bomb in your room do we?



    Hamsap Way Number 3

    Put it in a nice cup and drink it. (This way you remove all evidence that you ever touched your kotek).


    Come on... just DO IT. Your gf would do it for you. In fact she would be soooo happy to know that at least you know what you're putting her through every time you beg her to swallow!


    Hamsap Way Number 4

    Put it in a cup and get someone else to drink it. Make it easy on that poor lad. Mix it with Coke or something.

    Or if you're really such a bastard... use peer pressure to get him to drink it... tell him drinking it will make him COOL.

    YAAAAMMM SEENNGGG!!!!
    Disclaimer: You did NOT hear Boss Stewie say anything about giving semen to your friends to drink. If you did.. you were probably high on pot and hallucinating.

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